I should get my i800 approval today! I called yesterday and she said it could be done later today (which was yesterday), or tomorrow (which is today), or at the very latest Wednesday (which is Wednesday - lol). I am OBVIOUSLY hoping it is today!
Right now, it is night time in China....
I am wondering what my little girl is doing.....
Is she sleeping? Is she up getting a bottle? a diaper change? Or do they let her eat on demand even? Or does she cry it out and just stay hungry until morning? Is her diaper dry? Is she cold?
I think about her constantly....
It's funny how I can love someone I haven't even met, that I haven't touched. That I haven't held.
I LOVE HER!
My Daughter is loved. Maybe by nobody that is with her right now...but she is loved....God made her in His image....she is loved. She is worthy. Christ died for her. She may not know it....she may not believe it at first. She may believe that she is not wanted, not loved. But I am going to convince her somehow, someway that she is.
Loved.
Worth it.
Beautiful.
Cherished.
WANTED.
She is ALREADY my daughter in my heart. At times, I try not to let her enter my mind because it consumes my thoughts and distracts me from the things I need to get done each day...but I can't keep her out of my mind for very long!
I catch myself staring into space...imagining what her cry sounds like......I dream about hearing that first little giggle....I picture the girls fighting to hold her first.... and playing with her, fighting for her attention.....I imagine her daddy holding her on his shoulder, putting her to sleep.... I wonder if she will melt into my embrace? or arch her back in fear the first time I hold her??? I imagine her little lips curled up into a smile....and how her chubby cheeks will make her eyes squint when she smiles....just like her momma.... I try to picture her in the little outfit I bought last week....I wish I knew more about her....
It's weird to think that I love someone that I have never seen smile. Someone that I have a video of that is less than a minute. Someone that I have less than a dozen pictures of....someone that I don't know very much about.
That's CRAZY when I think about it logically. When I think about it with reason....
"Normal" people don't love people they have never met....
Except a mother. And a father. And two sisters....
A FAMILY LOVES. A FAMILY loves and waits on you....and it won't be much longer. Soon she will have a family. Soon someone to dry her tears. Soon there will be someone who cares if she is hungry or dirty.
I will look back on this waiting and say "it wasn't that bad" and "it flew by"....but not today. Because she will always remember. Maybe not consciously, but she will....
So, today I try to hold back tears.
Today I try to re-focus myself on my never ending to-do list.
Today I stare a hole in her picture...trying to make it come to life....or give me some glimpse of her little personality...or what her life is like.
Today I refresh my email a hundred times a minute to see if by some random chance the agency got an update and an answer to my questions.....
Today I see the walker she is in and search stores to find the brand. Why? Why does it matter? It doesn't. I just want to know anything I can about her....any little thing at all.
Today I wait. And I wonder. And I imagine. And I pray. And I dream. And I love....
I just can't wait for you to meet her, because then you will love her too.
 |
| Xiao Chun |
No comments:
Post a Comment