Love Notes

Have you ever got a love note from someone? Did it make you feel so loved and special???
I got a love note last week. It couldn't have come at a better time.


I'm pretty sure that nothing else in the world could have made me feel more special or cared for or loved than receiving that love note on that day at that exact moment.


It was PERFECT TIMING!


But my love note was not written down, and it was not spoken.  It is not something I can show you....
My love note was a gift. A gift of time. A gift from God.


You may think it is a coincidence. You make think saying it is a "gift from God" is a stretch....and you are welcome to your opinion.


But I know who the gift came from. I know that when I talk to God and tell Him my problems, that He listens. And that He loves me. And that He cares. And that sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes, He sends me a message.


And this time, the message was a little love note in the form of time.


Time to go to my daughter's birthday party that was scheduled the only time it was available, which was also during my college class.
Time to pack & organize my house during an unexpected "winter break."
Time to get some very important stuff done before baby girl comes HOME.


You see, time was something I couldn't get enough of this winter. I've been SOOO busy! With the adoption, and all the paperwork, my usual commitments of Girl Scouts & at church, working full time, completing my RESA (4 year "assignment" needed to complete teacher licensure), and taking 2 college classes on the weekend was about to do me in....I was wondering how on earth I was going to get it all done, and cried the whole way to my college class because I was going to miss Kara Jo's birthday party at the ice skating rink. I was HATING the idea that I would miss it. She was ok with it...Mommy was not.
When I got to class, the professor said he was letting us out at noon. NOON!!!  I literally squealed and jumped up and said I am going to hug you!" (to which he replied, "no you aren't! I have to keep an appropriate teacher-student distance!" LOL- I should've suggested a "side-hug!")
Just enough time for me to get !!! That is a LOVE NOTE!
In three years of class, having class 1-3 times/month, he has NEVER let us out that early....


It was a "love note" from God! Telling me He cares. Telling me it will be ok. Telling me even though I have a HUGE list of things to get done, that it WILL all get done. That He is in control. That HE hears me....


                                                               






So I am trying to turn to Him when I feel anxious, and overwhelmed, and excited, and like I can't stand another second to pass that everyone acts like life is normal when my life is crazy upside down waiting for my baby to be home!
(I digress - but have you ever had a life changing moment, like a birth or a death, that you walk through your everyday life and see people scurrying around, worrying about unimportant things when your life is topsy turvy crazy??? I'm feeling a little like that.)
 Like my life is in slow motion....            
I am overwhelmed and yet can't get anything done because I picture Kensley waiting on me....watching for me....scared, hurt, or lonely...needing me, and me far, far away...


Eight more days, baby girl. Eight. More. Days!!!


I truly can't believe it. It is happening!!


And I couldn't be more thankful. Thankful to God that I get to be a part of this sweet little girl's life. I'm just so grateful.




Eight days till I leave to go get her. And 13 days till I hold her in my arms.....what a beautiful moment that will be....I just can't wait.....


Please pray I can get some sleep between now and then! My mind is going 100 mph, and it is hard to relax.
But SOON I will be there!! So soon it's hard to concentrate on much else....except her cute face !

Mushy Love Stuff & a "teensy" Update...but not the one you are looking for....

Love is in the air.....and Cupid has been busy at the high school I work at.
It is so funny to see the world thru their eyes, to remember the drama of young relationships! But it also makes me sad, to see their hearts get broken repeatedly. Many of them (ok, almost ALL of them) don't really know what love is....I had a great home life, with a stable family and loving relationships and I STILL didn't get it at a young age! Many of them don't have the models and experiences I had.....So how can I expect them to understand unconditional love and commitment?


We did a study at church several years ago on the Five Love Languages....it really had a big impact on me. It helped me to understand the things that some of my loved ones did and how to interpret them the way they were meant...not necessarily the way their actions made me feel....


Anyway, for those of you unfamiliar with the book, it states there are different ways that we show love to others, and different things we feel are important in relationships that determine how loved we feel. They are (let me see if I can get them right!) acts of service (me!), quality time (my #1), words of affirmation, gifts and physical touch.


It makes me wonder about little Kensley....what kind of person she will be...how she will see love and interpret others actions....
I have trouble picturing her little toddler face, let alone what she will look like and do and how she will act when she is a teenager, or an adult....


I feel so blessed to be able to be a part of her life and can not wait until she is here with us and we get to learn about her little personality!!


During this time of year when all the focus is on love, I hope that someone is there with little Miss Kensley, showing her love and affection until we are able to hold her and love her and teach her what family is all about....


I wanted to share with you today some of the love that has been shown to me and my family in honor of little Kensley since we started this journey....




*My hubby....at Christmas he put red lights in Kensley's special tree we planted out back in honor of Miss Kensley's first Christmas. It touched me so much.....that under the same sky that Kensley saw was something there just for her....it was all his idea and meant so much to me....


*My girls....they have sacrificed so much! Every day they bring up a way they can save money or do something to help bring their sister home...I have never seen two little girls so excited for a sister, and cannot wait to see them together....the memory deepest in my heart, though, is that they gave up new Halloween costumes and wore something from their closets so they could put the money in the adoption fund. I'm not sure my mother's heart could have swelled with pride more or could have been filled with more love than at that moment.....


*My momma is making her a special quilt for her bed....I got to pick out the pattern and fabric and we had a wonderful momma/daughter day in the fabric store and went to lunch afterwards. I can't wait to wrap my girl in her nana's outpouring of love onto fabric....how nana shows love best....


*My daddy donated money that will cover my plane tickets! Such a relief, and I know the time he spent making that money he was thinking of our little girl in cowgirl boots riding the gator or taking her first pony ride....thanks Daddy!


*My sister....Kendra is sacrificing so much to help us! Time, money, career, family....she is basically "dropping out of her life" to be a part of our special time in China for 3 weeks! I can't tell you how much I appreciate her sacrifice and cannot wait to spend that special time with her....


*My sister Kristi, for paving the way for me and giving me all her "to-do" lists when she is done with them! I wouldn't have thought of HALF of the thing you did....
*My SIL, Lisa....she cannot be at our shower and gave me Kensley's gifts a little early....and I loved the clothes (sooo cute!) and can't wait for her to wear them, and LOVE the diaper bag and how thoughtful it was that she researched and found the one I wanted, but what touched me most is the "goofy" she got Kensley....in one of her pictures there is a goofy toy, and Lis got her a goofy toy for here so she would have something she recognized....that level of caring and thoughtfulness brought me to tears....


*And one of my dearest friends Kerri just came over last weekend and brought the curtains she made for Kensley's room and helped me "check things off my to-do list." We worked on Kensley's room for about 7 hours...decorating, laughing, crying, dreaming....spending time together with lots of hot glue and pom-poms (rofl)...she showed her love to both of us by just sitting there and being with me and listening and helping me get something done that I couldn't get done by myself...


*The countless people who I have asked questions to, who have listened to my stories, "liked" or left a comment on my "Kensley" facebook statuses, or read my blog.... I can feel your support through my computer....knowing that you care and are praying for my girl and that you want good things for my family means the world to me....and I plan on printing out all your comments to put in her life book so she can see the people who supported her "when she was a glimmer in her daddy's eye" (as my momma would say - lol)....


I just wanted to say thank you...thank you for showing my family LOVE.
Thank you for your LOVE for Kensley.
Many families who are adopting do not have the luxury of having a family that is excited and welcoming and loving and supportive....and I just wanted to say THANK YOU and that I APPRECIATE YOU....
It means more to me than you will ever know.....


And switching gears....as far as our process goes...


I am STILL waiting on Travel Approval (TA)....


PRAYING and HOPING it is in God's timing to get it before Chinese New Year....It's getting harder and harder to not have a date to "count down to" to get my girl....They have said if we get it today or Monday they will still try to fit us in the March 4 travel group.....


So we are WAITING & HOPING & WAITING & DREAMING & WAITING & PRAYING & WAITING......

The GOOD, the BAD, & the UGLY...

The Good


Yesterday we got our Article 5!!
For those of you not in the adoption world, it means....I'm not sure what! lol
This process is sooo confusing with a lot of formality and red tape, that I get confused on which step means what. LOL Sorry, I'm a bad adoptive momma for not knowing, but I DO KNOW it means I am ONE STEP CLOSER!


And....we are officially in our TRAVEL APPROVAL WAIT!! (aka- TA wait)


We should get our TA within "1.5 - 3 weeks," but the trend lately has been more like one week! eeeeek! Someone this week even got it within 3 days....3 DAYS! The reason this is even more exciting to our family, is we HAVE to get TA before CNY (Chinese New Year)....which is officially February 19th...but the government offices also take off for President's Day, so we have a little less than 2 weeks to get our TA....Fingers Crossed! But it is a definite possibility that we will have it by next week.....Soooo exciting!


Once we get TA, we wait 1-3 (but it is usually the next day) to get our Consulate Appointment (CA) in China. Once we have that, we know our travel dates and our travel group and usually would leave in about a week or so, but for us with CNY, it will be about 2.5 weeks before travel (which I hate to wait - but it is out of our control- but will hopefully help us getting more affordable plane tickets - trying to look at the bright side here).


Anyway - exciting stuff!!


The Bad
**Disclaimer - I hate to put this in the "bad" category, because I REALLY should be grateful....and I AM....just sad too....you'll see what I mean. I'm seeing my cup half empty this morning and need an attitude adjustment, as my momma would say....**


Kristi and mom got to go to Kensley's orphanage yesterday....they drove 2 hours (one way - with a non-English speaking taxi driver and only 3 little notes that said they had to use the restroom, needed to eat, and the hotel address- truly an ADVENTURE!) to see where my little girl has been living for the past 10 months, and hopefully catch a glimpse of her.....


According to Haugue adoption rules, families are not allowed to get "updates" on their child except thru the orphanage, and their agency. I am POSITIVE there are a lot of good reasons this law is in place and they have been doing international adoptions for years and I'm sure have good reasons behind this policy...it is to protect the children and keep them safe. Which I am all for. Except when it comes to MY girl.... :)
Different orphanages and agencies follow this rule to different degrees....some let you send packages, some don't. Some let you pay someone to go to the orphanage and take videos/pic of your child, some don't. Some let you send video updates, some don't. Some let other people in county come visit your child, some don't.


It's all in how you interpret the word "update."


We knew before they went that they probably wouldn't get to see her. We knew there was a chance they wouldn't. But, I thought they'd say something like - "I'm sorry! It's against haugue policy for us to let you see your niece before the adoption. I wish we could, but we have to follow policy to protect all children. Kensley is doing great though, she is in the Nemo room and wearing purple today. I wish I could let you see her, she is actually right down that hall. If you needed to go to the restroom before the rest of the tour, the bathroom is down that hall....and I will wait right here for you..." 
But they didn't. No pictures. No glances at her across the room. NO NOTHING. Yes, I should be grateful, they saw the facilities and they are superb as far as an orphanage goes. If I had to choose one, I would choose Maria's. We are very, very grateful she is there....but the thought of my momma and my sister going and giving her snuggles and whisper "momma's coming" in her ear when I can't be there just brings tears to my eyes....


THEY WERE IN HER BUILDING, HALF WAY ACROSS THE WORLD, AND DIDN"T GET TO SEE HER!
 Sigh. I'll admit, I cried. Hard. Like the ugly cry....(so maybe this should have been in the ugly category...because it was not a pretty sight. lol)


The "Other" Bad
The other bad is that she was in the medical ward.
I guess, if I would have thought, and yes my mind has wondered there, that that would make sense that she is medically fragile if she can't even be laid down for fear of aspiration. That makes sense....but I just hadn't thought of her in that way....and it made me sad. Sad that she is there alone....sad her family is not with her....and a little more scared about messing up....


I'm chanting in my head...."I can be a turkey, I can be a turkey" LOL If you don't know why I'm talking about poultry, read my turkey post....


The words "medical unit" just made it all a little more intense.....


Is there a pediatrian or a pediatric nurse that has a couple weeks off, a couple thousand dollars, and want to go to China with us? I asked Dr. Hudson, and he laughed....I'm thinking that was a no....


The Ugly
I'm stressed. Sooooo stressed. Can't sleep at night stressed. Wake up at 4 am stressed. Don't even want to eat stressed! (ok, we know it's getting BAD when I get here folks!)  My shoulders and neck are always tense and hurting...I have to remind myself to relax my muscles....I know I have been this stressed before, like when mom was soooo sick, but I am having a hard time remembering being THIS stressed.


My to do list:
*pack for 4 people for a 3 week international trip, in 4 carrryons, and one checked bag.
*pack my meds. le sigh. STRESS-FUL. I'm sure they have insulin in China. I'm sure they don't have exactly what I take, and POSITIVE they don't have my insulin pump supplies. Since I depend on them to live, it stresses me out....
 *Finish the baby's room. Yep, not done.
*Get my house ready for baby (like, place for me to change her propped up, place for her to sleep by me, but propped up, with a place for the tube feed pump)
*RESA & SLO (for those not in the teaching field, these are year long teacher educ "stuff," that take hours and hours...and are usually due by the end of the year...but I will be home with baby, so.....due now!
*Plane tickets, arrange part of the travel
*Lesson plans - until the end of the year. Complete with supply lists for each lesson, and procurement information....including study guides for their standardized tests they need to graduate with their certificates. Stressful for me, stressful for my students. And I feel guilty for leaving them....So basically 3 months of planning needs to be done before I leave....sigh.
*Beginning of school stuff....advisory board, procurement lists, etc. LOTS of work stress.
*Kara Jo's birthday and party - I don't want this to "suffer" bc of the new baby
*Rio - I am still taking classes, but will be done in May. Luckily, he is letting me miss my March classes, but I need to have ALL assignments for ALL semester done before I go....
*Prepare "stuff" at home....find someone to house sit, feed the dogs, cats, horses, mail, etc, etc, etc.....
*Finish adoption "stuff" (paperwork, payments, blah blah blah)
Anyway....I'm sure this is not all, but it's all that's on the top of the list that is always churning in my mind.....I'm crazy stressed and HOPING to get some things checked off soon. That would make me feel a lot better....but a lot of it won't get done until right before we go....which I don't like. LOL




So please pray for me....


Pray that I'm not a mean, grumpy person and that I can enjoy this last month, and not be mean to my husband and kiddos, and that my students at school don't think I've lost my mind and am having a nervous break down....at least until I get my girl. he he he....did you here that?? GET MY GIRL!!
It's almost time....and I sat many many times thinking this time would never come...and it's ALMOST here.....


I'm humbled, and excited, and overwhelmed....
Say a prayer for me today, and I will be in your debt. A good night's sleep and some relaxation are what I need. But ain't nobody got time for that!!

TURKEYS

The other day I was driving to class (because I don't have much else to fill my time, so I thought I'd take a couple college courses on the weekend in addition to my full time teaching job, completing the RESA, having two kiddos and preparing for a third, getting a nursery ready, and never ending adoption paperwork) (no bitterness lol) and I saw the biggest flock of turkeys I'd ever seen! Soooo random!


There were at least 30 of them in a big cornfield....and I slowed down to look at them because they were HUGE! And a little bizzare that they were so out in the open....but I started to speed up again, and noticed something spooked them.
Several of the birds put their heads down and ran, and several started flying very close to the ground. It looked more like skipping really, because they would "fly" a couple feet, then take a couple steps, then take "flight" again. One of the bigger birds changed direction, and started "flying" towards me!




Have you heard of people playing "chicken?"
Going towards each other and seeing who is the first to change their path?
Seeing who is the "bravest?"


This turkey and I were playing a game of chicken!


That's when the weird thing happened....


The turkey flew - like REALLY FLEW- like OVER my car flew! And I didn't know turkeys could do that! I'm not even sure the TURKEY knew he could do that! He flew over my car and into a tree of all things, like he was as light as a sparrow....and we both knew he was bigger than anything I'd ever seen on my Thanksgiving table. It was bizarre to see a bird that big fly that high! (most of you country folk are thinking - "I bet it was a buzzard...." It wasn't! It was a turkey!!)  I stopped my van and looked back to make sure I wasn't crazy....well, we all know I am....but I did want to make sure I wasn't seeing things! ;)
THE TURKEY FLEW INTO THE TOP OF THE TREE!!


You may be wondering why I am writing a story about turkeys...because it is a weird time of year to spend so much time thinking about the holiday bird....but I'm going to tell you now....though it might not make sense until the end....


I got an update from our agency about Kensley!!


We had submitted our questions over a month ago and hadn't got a response. And our agency had told us not to expect one. That the next time we heard something about our girl would be when we saw her face to face....but last week I just felt the urge to send an email and ask if they had heard anything...even though I KNEW if they'd heard something they would have let me know....so I sent an email and pretty much forgot about it and went about my day....


About three hours later, one of my students came down to the lab and said my husband had called my room phone. The last time that happened it was baby news!! So quite a stir was caused with my students and they all pretended to be doing their vocab while they ease dropped on my phone conversation to hear the news....


Our update had come! Hooray! Three new pictures and our questions answered!!


 HOW EXCITING!!


I was trembling as I tried to read the information on our sweet baby girl, trembling so much that the letters were all blurring together! Or maybe that was the tears streaming down my face as I saw how BIG my girl was getting half a world away from her mama and baba....


When I finally settled myself down to read the words, the tears REALLY started to come.....


Have you ever asked a question, just to hear the response?
But in your heart you already knew the answer???
That was the case with these update questions to the agency.
I asked the questions, and I really did want to know....but, maybe it's because I had to wait so long for the answer...or maybe it's because she is half a world away and I'm trying to connect across the miles with her...or maybe it's because this process if already soooo scary with soooo many unknowns that I have to think positive or I'll BURST....but in my heart I knew the answers to the questions already!


 I had dismissed the questions AND the answers, and was on to worrying about other things....like when would we travel? and how would we get the girls school work done? and where would I find a house sitter? and what IS the best brand of car seat available???


When I started reading the questions and answers, the words weren't right. The answers were all wrong. They weren't the answers I KNEW were right. The answers weren't the ones I wanted to hear.                          




You see, little sweet Kensley has some trouble with her esophagus. When she was born it connected with her trachea and she had to have emergency surgery to correct it. Her little birth defect had already given her pneumonia though, and she was a sick sick little girl. After several weeks in the hospital in critical care, she was released to the orphanage she is still at.


We knew all of this. We know her diagnosis with a really long scary name. But we also saw her little cute face, and spiky hair, the scared look in her eyes that went back and forth between ornery and terrified...the sweet little girl who will soon be a McCray that God has a plan for (even though it may be plan b at this point, but that's another post), and that plan includes us....
And we knew she needed us and that WE needed HER.


We knew all the possibilities and all the chances and all the "whatevers" that could happen, and might happen...with her, or with any child, you always take a chance that something will go wrong....only our God knows the future....so we were okay with the risk.


Our daughter was WORTH IT.
Buuuuuut........


                            I. DIDN'T. WANT. TO. HEAR. THIS. AT. ALL.           
             This is not what I wanted to hear....not what I had planned on....  
                                    Not what I wanted for her....






So when I was reading the update that said our little Kensley is still the same cute Kensley, just with longer hair and fuller cheeks that is scared of strangers but loves her nanny and giggles when you play with her and has a special friend in the crib beside her....the same little Kensley, just one whose esophagus was leaking into her trachea and would need a tube feeding until she came HOME to the USA where she could have surgery and who couldn't be laid down flat even for a diaper change or fluid could go into her lungs, it made me sad.


Very sad.
They say a momma's heart is connected to her little ones, and I completely believe it. When my babies hurt, I hurt. Like the twin second sense....I don't want her to have to go through the surgery, the recovery. It literally makes my heart hurt to think about it.
It. Breaks. My. Heart.


Because I was hoping she could leave all the pain and all the hurt and all the "scary memories" in her home country...that we could start over....and that when she came HOME to Minford she would find love and comfort and peace and no more pain...that all her life would be a fairy tale now that she has a family.....but that isn't the case....and that's ok too. It will just be a twist in her story that is different than I imagined...but we will get through it.....


We will learn how to climb the Great Wall with a tube feeding together. We will make it through airport security with all our pumps and tubes together. I will learn how to carry her in a carrier on my front and the tube feeding pump in a backpack on my back. She will learn how to have a momma and a baba, and I will learn how to insert a NG tube. She will learn what it's like to have sisters and a family, and I will learn how to maneuver around all the tubes and keep her elevated...
We will both learn new things together.


We will learn how to love one another. And how to help one another.


And of all the mommies in the world, what better one to have than one who has her OWN pump and her OWN set of tubes? :)


But it's still scary. And I wonder....can I do this? I'm not sure I can do this!
I don't know what I'm doing! What if I insert it wrong? Or set the pump tot the wrong level? What if I feed her to much? too little? Insert it at the wrong angle? Give her pneumonia?
I can send myself into a PANIC really quickly if I think about all the things I cannot do....or haven't ever done before....that I will be expected to do very shortly with Mrs. Kensley Lynn.


But now I remember the turkey....the awkward, ugly, not really known to do anything right, uncoordinated turkey....I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to fly.... And it did.
It flew. Awkwardly. Weirdly. Very uncoordinatedly. (I'm not sure that is even a word-ly) Like it was just learning....but it did. It flew. Because it HAD to.
The point is, it isn't supposed to be able to do that. And it did.....


So maybe, just maybe, I can do this too....






Kensley Lynn ~ 10 months old