There were at least 30 of them in a big cornfield....and I slowed down to look at them because they were HUGE! And a little bizzare that they were so out in the open....but I started to speed up again, and noticed something spooked them.
Several of the birds put their heads down and ran, and several started flying very close to the ground. It looked more like skipping really, because they would "fly" a couple feet, then take a couple steps, then take "flight" again. One of the bigger birds changed direction, and started "flying" towards me!
Have you heard of people playing "chicken?"
Going towards each other and seeing who is the first to change their path?
Seeing who is the "bravest?"
This turkey and I were playing a game of chicken!
That's when the weird thing happened....
The turkey flew - like REALLY FLEW- like OVER my car flew! And I didn't know turkeys could do that! I'm not even sure the TURKEY knew he could do that! He flew over my car and into a tree of all things, like he was as light as a sparrow....and we both knew he was bigger than anything I'd ever seen on my Thanksgiving table. It was bizarre to see a bird that big fly that high! (most of you country folk are thinking - "I bet it was a buzzard...." It wasn't! It was a turkey!!) I stopped my van and looked back to make sure I wasn't crazy....well, we all know I am....but I did want to make sure I wasn't seeing things! ;)
THE TURKEY FLEW INTO THE TOP OF THE TREE!!
You may be wondering why I am writing a story about turkeys...because it is a weird time of year to spend so much time thinking about the holiday bird....but I'm going to tell you now....though it might not make sense until the end....
I got an update from our agency about Kensley!!
We had submitted our questions over a month ago and hadn't got a response. And our agency had told us not to expect one. That the next time we heard something about our girl would be when we saw her face to face....but last week I just felt the urge to send an email and ask if they had heard anything...even though I KNEW if they'd heard something they would have let me know....so I sent an email and pretty much forgot about it and went about my day....
About three hours later, one of my students came down to the lab and said my husband had called my room phone. The last time that happened it was baby news!! So quite a stir was caused with my students and they all pretended to be doing their vocab while they ease dropped on my phone conversation to hear the news....
Our update had come! Hooray! Three new pictures and our questions answered!!
HOW EXCITING!!
I was trembling as I tried to read the information on our sweet baby girl, trembling so much that the letters were all blurring together! Or maybe that was the tears streaming down my face as I saw how BIG my girl was getting half a world away from her mama and baba....
When I finally settled myself down to read the words, the tears REALLY started to come.....
Have you ever asked a question, just to hear the response?
But in your heart you already knew the answer???
That was the case with these update questions to the agency.
I asked the questions, and I really did want to know....but, maybe it's because I had to wait so long for the answer...or maybe it's because she is half a world away and I'm trying to connect across the miles with her...or maybe it's because this process if already soooo scary with soooo many unknowns that I have to think positive or I'll BURST....but in my heart I knew the answers to the questions already!
I had dismissed the questions AND the answers, and was on to worrying about other things....like when would we travel? and how would we get the girls school work done? and where would I find a house sitter? and what IS the best brand of car seat available???
When I started reading the questions and answers, the words weren't right. The answers were all wrong. They weren't the answers I KNEW were right. The answers weren't the ones I wanted to hear.
You see, little sweet Kensley has some trouble with her esophagus. When she was born it connected with her trachea and she had to have emergency surgery to correct it. Her little birth defect had already given her pneumonia though, and she was a sick sick little girl. After several weeks in the hospital in critical care, she was released to the orphanage she is still at.
We knew all of this. We know her diagnosis with a really long scary name. But we also saw her little cute face, and spiky hair, the scared look in her eyes that went back and forth between ornery and terrified...the sweet little girl who will soon be a McCray that God has a plan for (even though it may be plan b at this point, but that's another post), and that plan includes us....
And we knew she needed us and that WE needed HER.
We knew all the possibilities and all the chances and all the "whatevers" that could happen, and might happen...with her, or with any child, you always take a chance that something will go wrong....only our God knows the future....so we were okay with the risk.
Our daughter was WORTH IT.
Buuuuuut........
I. DIDN'T. WANT. TO. HEAR. THIS. AT. ALL.
This is not what I wanted to hear....not what I had planned on....
Not what I wanted for her....
So when I was reading the update that said our little Kensley is still the same cute Kensley, just with longer hair and fuller cheeks that is scared of strangers but loves her nanny and giggles when you play with her and has a special friend in the crib beside her....the same little Kensley, just one whose esophagus was leaking into her trachea and would need a tube feeding until she came HOME to the USA where she could have surgery and who couldn't be laid down flat even for a diaper change or fluid could go into her lungs, it made me sad.
Very sad.
They say a momma's heart is connected to her little ones, and I completely believe it. When my babies hurt, I hurt. Like the twin second sense....I don't want her to have to go through the surgery, the recovery. It literally makes my heart hurt to think about it.
It. Breaks. My. Heart.
Because I was hoping she could leave all the pain and all the hurt and all the "scary memories" in her home country...that we could start over....and that when she came HOME to Minford she would find love and comfort and peace and no more pain...that all her life would be a fairy tale now that she has a family.....but that isn't the case....and that's ok too. It will just be a twist in her story that is different than I imagined...but we will get through it.....
We will learn how to climb the Great Wall with a tube feeding together. We will make it through airport security with all our pumps and tubes together. I will learn how to carry her in a carrier on my front and the tube feeding pump in a backpack on my back. She will learn how to have a momma and a baba, and I will learn how to insert a NG tube. She will learn what it's like to have sisters and a family, and I will learn how to maneuver around all the tubes and keep her elevated...
We will both learn new things together.
We will learn how to love one another. And how to help one another.
And of all the mommies in the world, what better one to have than one who has her OWN pump and her OWN set of tubes? :)
But it's still scary. And I wonder....can I do this? I'm not sure I can do this!
I don't know what I'm doing! What if I insert it wrong? Or set the pump tot the wrong level? What if I feed her to much? too little? Insert it at the wrong angle? Give her pneumonia?
I can send myself into a PANIC really quickly if I think about all the things I cannot do....or haven't ever done before....that I will be expected to do very shortly with Mrs. Kensley Lynn.
But now I remember the turkey....the awkward, ugly, not really known to do anything right, uncoordinated turkey....I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to fly.... And it did.
It flew. Awkwardly. Weirdly. Very uncoordinatedly. (I'm not sure that is even a word-ly) Like it was just learning....but it did. It flew. Because it HAD to.
The point is, it isn't supposed to be able to do that. And it did.....
So maybe, just maybe, I can do this too....
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| Kensley Lynn ~ 10 months old |
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