Tick, Tock

I know we've all had that feeling....you know, THAT feeling!?!? The one where it feels like you are supposed to be doing something, or you are forgetting something REALLY important...and it is soooo distracting and hard to think straight because you KNOW something isn't right....


Like, you forgot to call your mom on her birthday, or pick the girls up from practice, or mail a bill, or you forgot to submit that huge report at work....or fill in the blank with something from your life, that you've forgotten, that you didn't do.


Except, it's bigger than a birthday call, or a missed bill....


Surely I am not the only one who gets "that feeling."


It's not a good one.


You think and think about it....how you could have done better....how you would have changed this or that to fix the problem...


Hindsight is 20/20, right?


I have that feeling now.....


My pdf from the NVC didn't come on time.


 "On time for what?" you ask. Well, you know, the timeline in my head....the timeline that determines when my baby comes home...when she learns she has a family...when she knows what love is....


So....this timeline is kinda a big deal. By "kinda," I really mean really really big deal....


You might be thinking..."it's only a day" or "geez, don't get bent out of shape! It will happen when it is SUPPOSED to happen!" or "God is in control."
Buuuuuut.....it is a BIG deal. A day is a looooong time when you are suffering. Think about the worst day of your life....lasting another day. It's a big deal!


Annnnnnnd, this was never supposed to happen. This was not part of God's plan...for my baby to be an orphan. His plan for everyone was to have a mother, and a father....to be loved....not to be mistreated. To know what love is. To learn how HE loves us from their families.


His plan didn't involve this. But we are adapting to the fork in the road.....the part where "free will" happened and people made mistakes....and we are making the VERY best of it. My baby will have a home. She will be loved. She will learn about God and how much she is loved. That she is worthy. That HE loved her enough to DIE for her....no matter where she came from or whatever her past....the same LOVE that HE has for you....for me....for her.....


And I CAN NOT wait to meet her!! To love her! And to hold her! But her becoming an orphan, that was not part of the plan.....waiting too long for her momma to come get her? Not part of the plan.




Is HE in control? ABSOLUTELY.
Is he all-knowing? YES.
Did HE know my daughter would become an orphan? Yes, and I'm sure it BROKE HIS HEART....
Could HE do anything to stop it? YES, and I'm sure it was sooo hard not to.
Could HE stop ALL the bad things in the world from happening? Yes.
But does HE allow us free will? Yes.


Because He loves us enough to let us choose. To learn. And that means bad things happen. Sometimes natural consequences of our actions. Sometimes the consequences of other's acts of free will. Sometimes because Satan is trying to test us. Sometimes so we can learn a hard lesson. And sometimes just because.
Bad things happen. And it stinks. But God allows us free will......


Here's how free will works in the McCray house....(of course on a much smaller scale)
I tell the girls and tell them not to pester the cats! Their daddy tells them. The cats tell them (in their own way).....but do they still do it? Yes. Because they are kids. Do they get scratched? Yep. Am I happy about it? No way! (especially when it results in cat scratch fever  - yes that is a real thing! - and have to have surgery to remove the cyst that formed as a result....but hey, I digress....) But did they learn a lesson? Yes. Are they still getting scratched by the cats? Yes. Because they have free will.  And sometimes the girls make mistakes.


Just like me. Just like you. We ALL make mistakes. You. Me. Your spouse. Your kids. Your co-worker. Your best friend. Your boss. My baby's birth mom. Because of free will.....






Free will to abandon babies. Free will to ignore HIS call. Free will to hurt others. Free will to stand by and watch bad things happen, but not act. Free will to let my paperwork sit undone on someone's desk while by baby waits for me...


I try not to....but I picture the girls. I picture them outside in the snow, needing to come in. Needing warmth, shelter. Knocking and knocking. And me for some reason, not able to open the door.... That's how I feel. Imagine, for a minute, your loved one.....waiting....hoping....needing....


You would do anything to help them, right? ANYTHING!! And I would too!


Except now....now I wait.... For a piece of paper. That will make me wait. For another piece of paper. And another....it feels hopeless. A helpless feeling. Because I know she needs me.


And I know, once she comes home, she will be safe.


But, there are many more. Waiting. Needing. Hoping.....


And I'm feeling almost panicked.....like a clock is ticking.....you know...."THAT feeling."