Christmas Memories & Answered Prayers!

Like most people in America, we decorated our tree last week. And like most people in America, it got me feeling a little nostalgic….

I began thinking of Christmases past (not exactly sure how that is spelled….Christmas’ ? but it doesn’t own anything….but Christmases doesn’t look right…hmmmmm. Anyway….moving on….) .

.…of when my girls were little and time moved slower. Each ornament placed on the tree brought back a flood of memories. Of when I was a little girl at the farm and the season was full of magic. Of the many memories at my Grandma Rase’s house with people packed in like sardines and love and laughter overflowing till I thought the house would burst because of it. Of our first years of marriage and how hard life was then.  Of the people we have lost touch with. Of the great vacations we have shared….The Christmas music was playing and the memories were flowing….

                  ***Just so you know, this picture was not posed. Completely candid***
           

Then one of the girls mentioned that next time we decorate the tree, we will have the baby here….THE BABY HERE! Here with us, decorating the tree! All the ornaments on one branch again! And the breakables up high J Cute little Santa outfits and matching bows in the hair…..watching for trees being pulled over and choking hazards in the mouth! Boxes being the most played with gift on Christmas morning….How fun! How exhausting! Lol

But she will be here! How FUN is that! I almost can’t believe it!

And then…..I remembered!! I REMEMBERED!!!! I got the chills and felt a piece of God’s plan fall into place. A promise made. A peace that only coming full circle in God’s plan gives you….a feeling of PEACE in knowing that I was loved by an almighty creator who loved me and cared for me and knew my thoughts, needs, and desires of my heart. A God who doesn’t go back on His promises to me. Who has a plan for my life....I wasn’t wrong…..God had spoken to me that day!

I REMEMBERED something tucked waaaaay back into the corner of the storage closet upstairs…..

For this to make sense, I need to go back….WAAAAY back. And, it may not make sense at first….so hang with me, get yourself a cup of tea, and be ready to hear about God working in my life :)

With both of my girlies, there was a little drama before they were what my mom would call “a twinkle in their daddy’s eyes.” Both times were different, but neither one came to be without a big fuss and worry that it wouldn't work out. Both times, but in a different way.

But, both times, God gave me peace and I had a moment when I just KNEW it would be ok, and when I just KNEW they were going to “be.” I had a peace about the situation and a “moment” with God. I am usually a worrier (understatement of the year), and both times, I saw these items and received peace. (How weird is that to have a “moment” in a store while shopping? Both times. Tears in aisle 5. LOL) I bought the item (a little bowl and a little decorative piece) and had a symbol of peace that is still in my home today that I think of those moments every time I look at them.

Soooo, I’m not sure how long ago it was…at least 7 years ago because we were in the old house, but not more than 10 because it wasn’t the old-old house….I was Christmas shopping. Aaron and I had been talking about adopting from China instead of having another bio and expanding our little family. We’d been researching a little and randomly picked an agency. We didn’t know a lot about it. Completely naïve looking back on it all. But I had signed up for Rainbow Kids and got an email every day about available kiddos. There was a little girl on there that was totally tugging on my heart strings. We had ALWAYS talked about adopting at least one child. It had always been a dream of mine. Even when I was a girl, probably about the age of my girls now, we had watched a documentary on tv about the orphan crisis and for several weeks posted pictures around the farmhouse asking mom and dad if we could go to China and get a sister.

So when this little girl tugged, it felt right. I can still remember how sad I thought it was that she didn’t have a name, just a reference number.  I can picture her in my head and some nights she haunts my dreams.....How sad is that ? Not even a name…..she wore a yellow shirt, with a stain on the shoulder and the neck all stretched out.. And had a hollow look in her eyes. I still think about her, and pray she has a family somewhere…..

Well, you know how the story ends. We did not adopt that little girl. We called the agency, started the application process, and waited. And dreamed. And read books about adoption, constantly looked at blogs (there was no FB then….Can you even IMAGINE?? Lol) Talked with several different families who had adopted.

Then….. I was rejected due to my health. REJECTED. REJECTED. REJECTED. Because of something I couldn’t control. Heart. Broken. And that began our looooong adoption journey….many years of calling and rejecting and "maybe you could foster" and "you can't adopt but we are happy to take a monetary donation" and fill in the blank with whatever words mean rejection to you….My personal favorite was “we don’t want to let someone with a chronic medical condition and shortened life expectancy adopt and only to have that child become an orphan again.” Ouch……REJECTED……that’s the response I always got.

But, back to Christmas shopping! During this woohoo-we- are-adopting-a-baby time, I was shopping and came upon an ornament that was BEAUTIFUL! It is a globe, with all the continents, and bright blue glitter inside. I thought it was so pretty! And, the perfect way to tell my parents we were adopting! I bought a couple and planned on painting a red line from Ohio to China and having them open it on Christmas Day. How FUUUUN is that?!?!

 Except we were rejected. The first couple years I packed it with the Christmas ornaments, but never put it on the tree. I didn’t want to see it, a glaring reminder of my body and all it’s imperfections. A reminder of "the plan" gone wrong. A reminder that what I thought was a very special moment with my Father was a figment of my imagination....A reminder that I didn't understand why when I was willing to do something for God, something to make a difference......I wasn't able. A reminder that some doors we can't open, no matter how hard we try. A reminder that I am not in control....


We had some friends adopting, and Aaron said I should give it to them. I couldn’t bring myself to do it….It was my “sign.” It was my “moment” of peace….it felt RIGHT. I couldn’t give it away…..So I took it from the Christmas bin, and put it in the upstairs closet. Tucked away….so it wouldn’t be the reminder of what wasn’t to be…

When a very, very special little girl came into my life through adoption, I gave her family one of the ornaments. Maybe this was it! Maybe THIS was how God meant adoption would effect my life…maybe through this situation, I could have peace! I was settled, this was it. Ornament out of the closet and onto another’s tree! Done.


Some sense of peace came….but not complete. I knew in my heart that our family wasn’t finished. I KNEW…..but I was stuck! Have you ever KNOWN something  that should happen….but it was impossible? Your hands were tied? I felt so stuck and hopeless and frustrated and so confused…but was trying to find peace. My prayers changed to ask God to please make me content with what I have. Please give me peace. Please love me though I've failed. And I felt healing take place in my heart….

Then….completely out of the blue…..and much to my surprise….our situation changed! (but that’s a story for another day!) And we are smack dab in the middle of the adoption process ourselves! We are getting our baby girl to complete our family!!

Soooo, up the stairs I ran to the closet.

                                        

I must say, it looks beautiful on our tree, doesn’t it? Like a reminder….like a promise kept. Like a “love note” from God saying, “I didn’t forget you. I love you. I know your heart’s desire and want you to be happy. Here is your reminder, your promise. Just not your time line…..”

 Who would’ve thought that so many years later, I would feel that same peace? God knew, that’s who.  Just teaching me to trust Him….to know that He is in control. Wow.